Daryl's House: Sweet Salve For My Soul

Rob Thomas, Johnny Resznik, The O'Jays, and on and on it goes.....all play in this gorgeous Connecticut Farmhouse studio.  They play Hall and Oates songs, and they play the visiting artist's songs with the infamous Daryl Hall twist of his vocal style.  It is magic.  It is beautiful.  Daryl Hall is the coolest chillest dude that welcomes all musical artists to come play / jam with him and his talented talented band.  Man, they all can play and sing and the pure joy they share together is so infectious. Geez, I wish I could sing with them, play the guitar with them.  I love to sing. I do.  I always did.  I sang Marie Osmond songs, I sang Linda Rondstadt songs. I sang and sing everything.  Guitar? I played when I was in 6th grade, minimally.  It sure looks like fun, though.  They play, they sing, they cook and share a dinner together.  Who could ask for more?

Daryl Hall is a beautiful soul who welcomes everyone into his house.  He plays every genre, music style with openness and sheer appreciation of simply, this...music.  Making music together is important.  Making music together is a gift.  Making music together is living life.

Daryl's House and the magic they create there is music to my ears! and food for my soul!

Give it a listen, people! 

I mean, look a their happy faces!

Blizzard? Make a Garden! Clay Play

So, I took my own advice and reached for art on a gloomy nerve wracking day feeling anxious with the Blizzard of 2017 bearing down in its full fury upon my house.  With the news being what it is, excruciatingly painful and scary as hell, as well, I was feeling beyond nervous and pent up with emotions bubbling to the surface that needed to be released.  

I had an old package of clay that I bought for my boys when they were younger and reached for it.  I had always wanted to play with clay to see what I could do, what I could mold with my hands, so I clay was the medium of art I chose!

Additionally, I have been missing my grown up boys, newly flown from the nest as they both joined the service weeks a part from each other.  It has been difficult for my husband and I as we had to let go of their boyhood, our parenthood, feeling a horrible sense of loss...I know. I know.  It isn't necessarily loss in a physical sense, but then again, it is.  They are not here.  They are not dependent on us any longer... It is a hole.  Sometimes, it really hurts, hurts bad.  I see a picture of them younger on their little bikes, or the picture of all us at the Cliffs of Mohr Ireland snuggled up against us tightly in the cold wind, all of us smiling.... God, why does that hurt so much?  I miss it.  I miss our closeness.  We all are still connected, still close but life turned with a click of a switch. Well, in a matter of months.  Boot camp was hell for us, as we dreaded what was happening to our babies...and it was happening to our babies.  Boot camp is boot camp, hell.  When it was graduation day for both, I felt like we were helping them escape from prison.  It has been tough... Another thing in addition to the mourning of our boys' youth, we are mourning the loss of ours.  We aged in massive acceleration mode.. I suddenly, am, well,...old.  I am looked upon as an older female now... it's weird. Everything got weird.  Hair loss, deep wrinkles, bones and muscles hurting when I do too much in the gym and extraordinary fatigue.  What the hell happened?

Again, like a switch was flipped. Click.  Time moved in a giant leap.

Yeah, so all of these feelings are swirling in me at once, in addition to my father failing as well.  And, he is failing seen so clearly in his withering body. This, too is weird and is heart wrenching for me.  Heart wrenching and tough to stare right in the face the cold reality of the inevitable.  My mother passed suddenly and unexpectedly.  There was no chance to think, anticipate or prepare.  This, is different, way different.  I am seeing it slowly happen and it hurts.  It is like peeling a bandaid off very slowly and you are almost at the end of what's still stuck on ready for that last yank, ripping it off altogether...  That's where we are at with my dad.  I feel like I've stuck the bandaid back on again and again and it has stayed on for as long as I can manage to re-stick it.  But it is falling off and ...

I can't even finish that sentence...

Back to art.  So, I pulled out the clay, rolled up little pipes of colors.  I pulled out a napkin as a placemat...and plucked some pink ..some green... It hit me. Flowers... I made a big flower like a Gerberia Daisy.  Then I came back thinking of a stone mosaic floor they uncovered in Turkey that looked like a painting. I thought of taking little dabs of clay and making a mosaic of a garden... it didn't actually turn out to be a complete mosaic..maybe the clouds and sky a bit, but I made flowers and more flowers, and grass and soil and rocks... I had fun with it.  I kept adding and adding.  It isn't any thing truly fantastic or anything, but was pleasing enough to  me that for a while....all that I thought of was just making flowers. And that was the point of it.  

Escape.

Art was my escape hatch of my own emotions for a while.  I gave myself a break from myself.

It was what I needed.

Everyone should play with clay once in a while.

24 Days......Can this really be happening?

I really can't wrap my brain around that in 24 days, President Obama is no longer President and we inaugurate a crazy unstable demagogue.  I can't even print his name.

He never should have made it this far.....at all.

I am so completely stressed, nervous, horrified, terrified. disgusted and ysad.  This person acts and reacts vehemently, violently, immaturely, without any sense of decorum or dignity.  A president-elect who declares a nuclear arms race via Twitter is completely horrifying.  I'm terrified.

I have a strong feeling that I am not alone.

I can't give this guy a chance because of all of his words spoken, his tweets t, and this is all BEFORE he is even THE PRESIDENT.  How can I give him a chance when he failed so many times in his bullying words during the campaign, his revealing and disgusting display via audio and visual tape of him being a newlywed yet readying himself to kiss a Soap Star and bragging about grabbing women by the genitals because he is a celebrity. How can I give him a chance? Why?

I want the minute he is inaugurated for him to be impeached for every constitutional violation, and every hostile act he incites - enemies, the dismantling of the UN, NATO, NAFTA, nuclear war - game over.

That's what I think should happen.

The Weight of The New World - Is This America? Really?

Boy my shoulders ache.  No wonder.  I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, a worry of the world falling to pieces in front of my very eyes!  I never thought in a million years that the country that I live in, that I live in could be like other distant countries with tyrannical leaders.  How arrogant of me to think that, that kind of evil power hungry nonsensical madness could happen here in America.

Why not here?  We have humans inhabiting here like anywhere else on this globe.  Time and time again, there have been insane leaders at the helm throughout history and you often wonder how could the people of that country let that happen?  How could such an individual only looking for power and ego stroking could end up in the position of leader of an entire country?

I remember thinking, what did the German people see in Adolf Hitler? How was that screaming scary man with a stubby little mustache charismatic? That's what they said, that he was charismatic in the way he spoke.  He spoke. The people listened.

With our current President-Elect, it astonishes me, puzzles me that people listen to him speak.  He speaks so simply, with a small arsenal of vocabulary, repeating awful things, outrageous things, and disparaging so many individuals; the people listened.  Congress and the Senate may have whimpered a little and did a little tap on the wrist, saying that was not appropriate or spoken in a way that wasn't appropriate.  But no outright outrage, no real damning condemnation and so, the campaign moved on.  This is not allowed and will not be tolerated.  Nope.  The show went on and continued and continued, with more and more outrageous stunts including parading Bill Clinton's accusers to the Presidential Debate to seal the deal in ultimate lack of decorum and humiliation of another.  Gloves were off and the people watched with blood lust.

And here we are in America, now with a President-Elect that is terrified of the Press, most likely because he can't answer questions with knowledge and can't handle one iota of criticism.  He knows the Press would skewer him on every level, conflicts of interest, crazy outrageous inappropriate Cabinet picks, Pay for Play Cabinet picks (you donated to my campaign; you get a job), Russia, Tax Returns, Brand Trump This, Brand Trump That, White Supremacy, Asking for lists of the EPA employees who support Climate Change, Asking the State Department for all Gender Equality agencies....what's with asking for lists of names?  This feels really creepy.  Are we in a censorship, rounding up dissidents-like dictatorship?  It feels like our freedom is being squashed and the walls are closing in.

What did Trump Supporters think Donald Trump could do for them?
He is a bully.  He is crazy.  He only cares about himself and his family.  He doesn't even care about Melania....clearly, freshly married, when you are the most in love with your new spouse, you wouldn't want to even look at someone else, let only kiss them or whatever.... He only cares about his needs, his wants, his name.....  Look at his cabinet picks.  They all will benefit from Donald Trump and fatten their pockets with the money train that Donald Trump will certainly reap.

We have lost Public Service.  We have lost peace. We have lost manners, politeness, kindness - human decency.

We have become a tyrannical state.  America has fallen.

My shoulders hurt from the worry.   I worry for the world as history repeats itself with tyrannical dictators but the rules have changed, the technology has changed and the weapons have changed.

God Bless America.  May good prevail over evil.
Because, really, my shoulders can't hold up this heavy weight much longer.

Loss. Pain. Empathy. Emotions on High Alert. October 6, 2016 snapshot of feelings

Wow.  It has been rough waters.  I never knew it would hurt this bad sending my boys off to the Coast Guard - Boot Camp.  It's a punch in the gut kind of hurt.  Like someone took a pair of scissors, no more like an axe and chopped that cord of childhood and yanked our children from us.  As if they are pulled far far away like lost at sea drifting farther and farther away.  Appropriate metaphor.

Firstly, cut off communication with the military.  I don't know how they are, really are.  I can't call, text.  I can write, but at first there was nothing for the first 3 weeks.  The communication is delayed.  A week old by the time we get the message. My two sons went three weeks a part and every single day I worry how they are.  There are blog posts by a company member of each unit that gives a pretty clear picture of the hell, physical and mental abusive hell they are going through. They aren't loud enough, they aren't fast enough, they aren't neat enough, they are the laughing stocks of the camp...they are forced to do things for long periods of time until their arms shake, until their ass hurts, until they sweat all the sweat out of their bodies.

As a mom, we yearn to soothe their hurts, their sorrows...can't and we have to swallow back that knee jerk instinct to make things better, make them feel better.  Can't.  Cord cut.  Snap!

Coast Guard Boot Camp Mom - Deep Darkness to Glorious Light! Part 1

The shock and awe happened for me, Mom, in the Family Briefing Room in Fort Hamilton on Swearing In Day.  There was an endless loop of images from Boot Camp in every military division, Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines showing the crawling on the ground with weapon in hand through the dirt, jabbing a bag with butt of a rifle, a drill sargeant walking up and down the barracks calling out orders, all expected stuff UNTIL the Coast Guard video came up.  The Coast Guard video had the volume turned so low, we could barely hear, which probably was done purpose because the entire video was mostly these vein popping Company Commander screaming so loud in the recruits faces, sometimes grabbing them by the chin, again and again, screaming so loud (even volume turned low) my husband and I sat there horrified and filled with great anxiety and fear for our son.  Our youngest son, 18 wondering what the hell is he getting into?

It was a hurt like no other.  The video in the Family Briefing Room was shocking as all other branches of the military, even the infamous Marines Boot Camp looked expected and reasonable. The Coast Guard was the only one that looked almost...I hate to say it...Abusive!  Bullying to nth degree, something I've always stood up against.  Be a Upstander not a Bystander... and here I have to clench my teeth and be a Bystander and let them torture my son.  That's how I saw it.

My son stood in the Oath Room and raised his hand in the same room Michael Murphy stood in, which by the Captain mentioning it, who thought we would all feel prouder by hearing those words, actually, made it more traumatic to me... uh, Michael Murphy is no longer on this earth and sacrificed his life.  So, with heavy heart and tears, our son hugged us and said, "See you in 8 weeks!"

That night my husband and I cried and felt awful.  We felt sick to our stomachs.  My husband even called the Recruiting Officer to complain about the video in the Family Briefing Room and how the volume was turned low and it showed nothing but the horror of CC's looking like sadistic bastards screaming the hell out of the recruits.  The Recruiting Officer said he hasn't seen it and said this phone call was like 3 parents' worth of phone calls...  We layed it on hard. It was horrifying to us.

We had son #2, 3 weeks later go through the same thing and guess what?  No video of Boot Camp in the Family Briefing Room  They had channel 10 playing. Interesting, huh?

But back to son #1.  That night, I saw an article of a Marine Drill Sargeant who put a recruit in an industrial dryer!  It was in the New York Times.  It turns out the recruit was of Muslim heritage and the DS assumed he was a terroirist.  Well, the recruit was running away from the DS and leaped to his death.  This DS was obviously a sadistic bastard and took his power and abused it.  Exactly what I feared!!!!  I couldn't believe this article came out after I saw that video, after I let my boy go to Boot Camp.... I felt so sick...a punch in the gut sick.... I was filled with hurt, regret, guilt, everything dark and despairing....

I felt no pride. None.

On top of that, there was picture of him getting off the bus on FaceBook where the CC was yelling in the face of the guy in front of him and my son's face looked filled with fear and terror.  I cried again.

What have I done?  The darkness killed me... I sank so low....so low.... it was scary.

My friend, Robin whose son went through Marine Boot Camp tried to help me through.  She promised me that he will get through it and I will feel pride.  I said, "No.  I feel so guilty.  Due to our financial circumstances, I feel like we gave him no choice but to go to the military.  We couldn't sign for any loans as our credit was crap...I felt so guilty.  I felt like a loser, a failure. and I hurt for my boy and what he was going to endure.  And I was so afraid I was going to lose my boy, my boy's heart and soul and that he'd come out a robot with no emotions...."

Robin kept trying to console me and assured me...he will be okay. I will be proud.

And then a beautiful thing happened.  With tears in my eyes, at work, a mother came in with her daughter (in a Pediatric doctor's office) and she had the simplest sweetest silver anchor ring.  I said, "What a nice ring!  Do you have a child in the service?"
She said, "No.  I just love the water."  I'm not going to lie, but I kind of was disappointed because I thought if she had someone in the service, it would be like a sign or something..a sign from above.
She said, "I bought it in Cape May, NJ."
Robin and I both looked at each other. "See?" Robin said.  "What are the chances that she bought it in Cape May, NJ....where your son's Boot Camp is!"
I smiled and felt assured.

Then, incredibly, the Mom came up to me and told me..."See if it fits." She handed me the ring.  I said, "What?"  She said again, "See if it fits."
I numbly slipped it on my left ring finger and it fit.
"It's yours. You need it more than me."
I cried. "That's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me!"
I said, "Are you sure?  You're not going to regret it?"
She said, "Nope. It's yours."

Robin and I both teared up.

I have not taken that Anchor Ring off yet. It's on my middle finger so you can see the Anchor as clear as day

Our first letter from him was beautiful. He was good.  He was okay. He even gave advice to his brother who was going to be there too.  He said letters help a lot.  That's all my husband and I needed to hear. We wrote to him every day. We even boy silly Halloween stickers and sea life stickers to brighten and lighten their mood.  Every letter got better and better.

Then we got the call that he was "reverted" - set back a week....  OH, God.  The one thing my son told his brother, whatever you do, don't get reverted...and HE got reverted.  We do not know why. He sounded awful. It was a quick stunted phone call that he got set back a week and is in a new company with a later graduation date.  Bye.

Ughhhhhh. Another punch in the gut.  A week longer there in hell!

(to be continued....)