Feeling Powerful
Watercolor Fashion Moment
Sunday, November 6, 2016
Loss. Pain. Empathy. Emotions on High Alert. October 6, 2016 snapshot of feelings
Wow. It has been rough waters. I never knew it would hurt this bad sending my boys off to the Coast Guard - Boot Camp. It's a punch in the gut kind of hurt. Like someone took a pair of scissors, no more like an axe and chopped that cord of childhood and yanked our children from us. As if they are pulled far far away like lost at sea drifting farther and farther away. Appropriate metaphor.
Firstly, cut off communication with the military. I don't know how they are, really are. I can't call, text. I can write, but at first there was nothing for the first 3 weeks. The communication is delayed. A week old by the time we get the message. My two sons went three weeks a part and every single day I worry how they are. There are blog posts by a company member of each unit that gives a pretty clear picture of the hell, physical and mental abusive hell they are going through. They aren't loud enough, they aren't fast enough, they aren't neat enough, they are the laughing stocks of the camp...they are forced to do things for long periods of time until their arms shake, until their ass hurts, until they sweat all the sweat out of their bodies.
As a mom, we yearn to soothe their hurts, their sorrows...can't and we have to swallow back that knee jerk instinct to make things better, make them feel better. Can't. Cord cut. Snap!
Firstly, cut off communication with the military. I don't know how they are, really are. I can't call, text. I can write, but at first there was nothing for the first 3 weeks. The communication is delayed. A week old by the time we get the message. My two sons went three weeks a part and every single day I worry how they are. There are blog posts by a company member of each unit that gives a pretty clear picture of the hell, physical and mental abusive hell they are going through. They aren't loud enough, they aren't fast enough, they aren't neat enough, they are the laughing stocks of the camp...they are forced to do things for long periods of time until their arms shake, until their ass hurts, until they sweat all the sweat out of their bodies.
As a mom, we yearn to soothe their hurts, their sorrows...can't and we have to swallow back that knee jerk instinct to make things better, make them feel better. Can't. Cord cut. Snap!
Coast Guard Boot Camp Mom - Deep Darkness to Glorious Light! Part 1
The shock and awe happened for me, Mom, in the Family Briefing Room in Fort Hamilton on Swearing In Day. There was an endless loop of images from Boot Camp in every military division, Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines showing the crawling on the ground with weapon in hand through the dirt, jabbing a bag with butt of a rifle, a drill sargeant walking up and down the barracks calling out orders, all expected stuff UNTIL the Coast Guard video came up. The Coast Guard video had the volume turned so low, we could barely hear, which probably was done purpose because the entire video was mostly these vein popping Company Commander screaming so loud in the recruits faces, sometimes grabbing them by the chin, again and again, screaming so loud (even volume turned low) my husband and I sat there horrified and filled with great anxiety and fear for our son. Our youngest son, 18 wondering what the hell is he getting into?
It was a hurt like no other. The video in the Family Briefing Room was shocking as all other branches of the military, even the infamous Marines Boot Camp looked expected and reasonable. The Coast Guard was the only one that looked almost...I hate to say it...Abusive! Bullying to nth degree, something I've always stood up against. Be a Upstander not a Bystander... and here I have to clench my teeth and be a Bystander and let them torture my son. That's how I saw it.
My son stood in the Oath Room and raised his hand in the same room Michael Murphy stood in, which by the Captain mentioning it, who thought we would all feel prouder by hearing those words, actually, made it more traumatic to me... uh, Michael Murphy is no longer on this earth and sacrificed his life. So, with heavy heart and tears, our son hugged us and said, "See you in 8 weeks!"
That night my husband and I cried and felt awful. We felt sick to our stomachs. My husband even called the Recruiting Officer to complain about the video in the Family Briefing Room and how the volume was turned low and it showed nothing but the horror of CC's looking like sadistic bastards screaming the hell out of the recruits. The Recruiting Officer said he hasn't seen it and said this phone call was like 3 parents' worth of phone calls... We layed it on hard. It was horrifying to us.
We had son #2, 3 weeks later go through the same thing and guess what? No video of Boot Camp in the Family Briefing Room They had channel 10 playing. Interesting, huh?
But back to son #1. That night, I saw an article of a Marine Drill Sargeant who put a recruit in an industrial dryer! It was in the New York Times. It turns out the recruit was of Muslim heritage and the DS assumed he was a terroirist. Well, the recruit was running away from the DS and leaped to his death. This DS was obviously a sadistic bastard and took his power and abused it. Exactly what I feared!!!! I couldn't believe this article came out after I saw that video, after I let my boy go to Boot Camp.... I felt so sick...a punch in the gut sick.... I was filled with hurt, regret, guilt, everything dark and despairing....
I felt no pride. None.
On top of that, there was picture of him getting off the bus on FaceBook where the CC was yelling in the face of the guy in front of him and my son's face looked filled with fear and terror. I cried again.
What have I done? The darkness killed me... I sank so low....so low.... it was scary.
My friend, Robin whose son went through Marine Boot Camp tried to help me through. She promised me that he will get through it and I will feel pride. I said, "No. I feel so guilty. Due to our financial circumstances, I feel like we gave him no choice but to go to the military. We couldn't sign for any loans as our credit was crap...I felt so guilty. I felt like a loser, a failure. and I hurt for my boy and what he was going to endure. And I was so afraid I was going to lose my boy, my boy's heart and soul and that he'd come out a robot with no emotions...."
Robin kept trying to console me and assured me...he will be okay. I will be proud.
And then a beautiful thing happened. With tears in my eyes, at work, a mother came in with her daughter (in a Pediatric doctor's office) and she had the simplest sweetest silver anchor ring. I said, "What a nice ring! Do you have a child in the service?"
She said, "No. I just love the water." I'm not going to lie, but I kind of was disappointed because I thought if she had someone in the service, it would be like a sign or something..a sign from above.
She said, "I bought it in Cape May, NJ."
Robin and I both looked at each other. "See?" Robin said. "What are the chances that she bought it in Cape May, NJ....where your son's Boot Camp is!"
I smiled and felt assured.
Then, incredibly, the Mom came up to me and told me..."See if it fits." She handed me the ring. I said, "What?" She said again, "See if it fits."
I numbly slipped it on my left ring finger and it fit.
"It's yours. You need it more than me."
I cried. "That's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me!"
I said, "Are you sure? You're not going to regret it?"
She said, "Nope. It's yours."
Robin and I both teared up.
I have not taken that Anchor Ring off yet. It's on my middle finger so you can see the Anchor as clear as day
Our first letter from him was beautiful. He was good. He was okay. He even gave advice to his brother who was going to be there too. He said letters help a lot. That's all my husband and I needed to hear. We wrote to him every day. We even boy silly Halloween stickers and sea life stickers to brighten and lighten their mood. Every letter got better and better.
Then we got the call that he was "reverted" - set back a week.... OH, God. The one thing my son told his brother, whatever you do, don't get reverted...and HE got reverted. We do not know why. He sounded awful. It was a quick stunted phone call that he got set back a week and is in a new company with a later graduation date. Bye.
Ughhhhhh. Another punch in the gut. A week longer there in hell!
(to be continued....)
It was a hurt like no other. The video in the Family Briefing Room was shocking as all other branches of the military, even the infamous Marines Boot Camp looked expected and reasonable. The Coast Guard was the only one that looked almost...I hate to say it...Abusive! Bullying to nth degree, something I've always stood up against. Be a Upstander not a Bystander... and here I have to clench my teeth and be a Bystander and let them torture my son. That's how I saw it.
My son stood in the Oath Room and raised his hand in the same room Michael Murphy stood in, which by the Captain mentioning it, who thought we would all feel prouder by hearing those words, actually, made it more traumatic to me... uh, Michael Murphy is no longer on this earth and sacrificed his life. So, with heavy heart and tears, our son hugged us and said, "See you in 8 weeks!"
That night my husband and I cried and felt awful. We felt sick to our stomachs. My husband even called the Recruiting Officer to complain about the video in the Family Briefing Room and how the volume was turned low and it showed nothing but the horror of CC's looking like sadistic bastards screaming the hell out of the recruits. The Recruiting Officer said he hasn't seen it and said this phone call was like 3 parents' worth of phone calls... We layed it on hard. It was horrifying to us.
We had son #2, 3 weeks later go through the same thing and guess what? No video of Boot Camp in the Family Briefing Room They had channel 10 playing. Interesting, huh?
But back to son #1. That night, I saw an article of a Marine Drill Sargeant who put a recruit in an industrial dryer! It was in the New York Times. It turns out the recruit was of Muslim heritage and the DS assumed he was a terroirist. Well, the recruit was running away from the DS and leaped to his death. This DS was obviously a sadistic bastard and took his power and abused it. Exactly what I feared!!!! I couldn't believe this article came out after I saw that video, after I let my boy go to Boot Camp.... I felt so sick...a punch in the gut sick.... I was filled with hurt, regret, guilt, everything dark and despairing....
I felt no pride. None.
On top of that, there was picture of him getting off the bus on FaceBook where the CC was yelling in the face of the guy in front of him and my son's face looked filled with fear and terror. I cried again.
What have I done? The darkness killed me... I sank so low....so low.... it was scary.
My friend, Robin whose son went through Marine Boot Camp tried to help me through. She promised me that he will get through it and I will feel pride. I said, "No. I feel so guilty. Due to our financial circumstances, I feel like we gave him no choice but to go to the military. We couldn't sign for any loans as our credit was crap...I felt so guilty. I felt like a loser, a failure. and I hurt for my boy and what he was going to endure. And I was so afraid I was going to lose my boy, my boy's heart and soul and that he'd come out a robot with no emotions...."
Robin kept trying to console me and assured me...he will be okay. I will be proud.
And then a beautiful thing happened. With tears in my eyes, at work, a mother came in with her daughter (in a Pediatric doctor's office) and she had the simplest sweetest silver anchor ring. I said, "What a nice ring! Do you have a child in the service?"
She said, "No. I just love the water." I'm not going to lie, but I kind of was disappointed because I thought if she had someone in the service, it would be like a sign or something..a sign from above.
She said, "I bought it in Cape May, NJ."
Robin and I both looked at each other. "See?" Robin said. "What are the chances that she bought it in Cape May, NJ....where your son's Boot Camp is!"
I smiled and felt assured.
Then, incredibly, the Mom came up to me and told me..."See if it fits." She handed me the ring. I said, "What?" She said again, "See if it fits."
I numbly slipped it on my left ring finger and it fit.
"It's yours. You need it more than me."
I cried. "That's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me!"
I said, "Are you sure? You're not going to regret it?"
She said, "Nope. It's yours."
Robin and I both teared up.
Our first letter from him was beautiful. He was good. He was okay. He even gave advice to his brother who was going to be there too. He said letters help a lot. That's all my husband and I needed to hear. We wrote to him every day. We even boy silly Halloween stickers and sea life stickers to brighten and lighten their mood. Every letter got better and better.
Then we got the call that he was "reverted" - set back a week.... OH, God. The one thing my son told his brother, whatever you do, don't get reverted...and HE got reverted. We do not know why. He sounded awful. It was a quick stunted phone call that he got set back a week and is in a new company with a later graduation date. Bye.
Ughhhhhh. Another punch in the gut. A week longer there in hell!
(to be continued....)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)