So, I took my own advice and reached for art on a gloomy nerve wracking day feeling anxious with the Blizzard of 2017 bearing down in its full fury upon my house. With the news being what it is, excruciatingly painful and scary as hell, as well, I was feeling beyond nervous and pent up with emotions bubbling to the surface that needed to be released.
I had an old package of clay that I bought for my boys when they were younger and reached for it. I had always wanted to play with clay to see what I could do, what I could mold with my hands, so I clay was the medium of art I chose!
Additionally, I have been missing my grown up boys, newly flown from the nest as they both joined the service weeks a part from each other. It has been difficult for my husband and I as we had to let go of their boyhood, our parenthood, feeling a horrible sense of loss...I know. I know. It isn't necessarily loss in a physical sense, but then again, it is. They are not here. They are not dependent on us any longer... It is a hole. Sometimes, it really hurts, hurts bad. I see a picture of them younger on their little bikes, or the picture of all us at the Cliffs of Mohr Ireland snuggled up against us tightly in the cold wind, all of us smiling.... God, why does that hurt so much? I miss it. I miss our closeness. We all are still connected, still close but life turned with a click of a switch. Well, in a matter of months. Boot camp was hell for us, as we dreaded what was happening to our babies...and it was happening to our babies. Boot camp is boot camp, hell. When it was graduation day for both, I felt like we were helping them escape from prison. It has been tough... Another thing in addition to the mourning of our boys' youth, we are mourning the loss of ours. We aged in massive acceleration mode.. I suddenly, am, well,...old. I am looked upon as an older female now... it's weird. Everything got weird. Hair loss, deep wrinkles, bones and muscles hurting when I do too much in the gym and extraordinary fatigue. What the hell happened?
Again, like a switch was flipped. Click. Time moved in a giant leap.
Yeah, so all of these feelings are swirling in me at once, in addition to my father failing as well. And, he is failing seen so clearly in his withering body. This, too is weird and is heart wrenching for me. Heart wrenching and tough to stare right in the face the cold reality of the inevitable. My mother passed suddenly and unexpectedly. There was no chance to think, anticipate or prepare. This, is different, way different. I am seeing it slowly happen and it hurts. It is like peeling a bandaid off very slowly and you are almost at the end of what's still stuck on ready for that last yank, ripping it off altogether... That's where we are at with my dad. I feel like I've stuck the bandaid back on again and again and it has stayed on for as long as I can manage to re-stick it. But it is falling off and ...
I can't even finish that sentence...
Back to art. So, I pulled out the clay, rolled up little pipes of colors. I pulled out a napkin as a placemat...and plucked some pink ..some green... It hit me. Flowers... I made a big flower like a Gerberia Daisy. Then I came back thinking of a stone mosaic floor they uncovered in Turkey that looked like a painting. I thought of taking little dabs of clay and making a mosaic of a garden... it didn't actually turn out to be a complete mosaic..maybe the clouds and sky a bit, but I made flowers and more flowers, and grass and soil and rocks... I had fun with it. I kept adding and adding. It isn't any thing truly fantastic or anything, but was pleasing enough to me that for a while....all that I thought of was just making flowers. And that was the point of it.
Escape.
Art was my escape hatch of my own emotions for a while. I gave myself a break from myself.
It was what I needed.
Everyone should play with clay once in a while.
No comments:
Post a Comment